But you did not come here to read me wax poetic about missing a bunch of muscle-bound child men run into each other while carrying a ball made of pig skin – you probably want to read my thoughts of Super Bowl 44, and so I give them to you, neatly categorized and dissected with the most artistic of rapists wit. So sit back in your cubicle, crack open a beer (if you’re an alcoholic) and let me ruminate you with these wizarding words.

Winners first, so let’s look at the Saints:

Sean Payton – It’s amazing what halftime adjustments can do. Before the half, I was all but set on crucifying this guy after calling the same two stupid plays when the Saints were on the goal line – RB up the right side. The stubborness of NFL coaches kills me sometimes. If it didn’t work the first time, don’t be a douche and try and have your way – do something different. But most NFL coaches are driven by their egos, and Payton was no different, and it cost the Saints a score at halftime. Luckily for him and the New Orleans faithful, Payton shocked everyone by calling an on-side kick to start the second half, there by saving his ass for the botched calls preceding it and giving the Saints the possession he previously squandered. And that turned the tide of the game, giving the Saints a momentum they never lost afterward. It was a ballsy call that most coaches would have soft passed on, so you gotta give Payton props for the win, even though I feel NFL coaches are largely overrated (it comes down to talent level, coaches are interchangeable)

Drew Brees – Hopefully this puts him in the top 3 list of QB’s that he deserves to be in. As the pundits have been saying all last night and this morning – Brees beat nothing but future hall o’ famers to get and win this Super Bowl: Kurt Warner, Brett Favre-beans and Peyton Manning. Impressive. And there can be no debate he was the best QB of the 2009

A most deserving Super Bowl MVP

season, putting up the same numbers pretty boy Tom Brady did back in 2007. In terms of the top 3 QB’s in the league today, you gotta hit it like this – Brady, Manning and Brees – the order of which is debatable. But as of today, February 8th, 2010, I would rank ‘em as such – Brees, Manning, Brady. For a guy nobody wanted four years ago, he deserves this win more than anybody.

Tracy Porter – Here’s a name none of us knew until this plucky little DB intercepted a would-be comeback pass from Peyton Manning and turned it into a pick-6, thereby sealing the win for New Orleans. A lot of praise is being given this guy for knowing where Manning was going to throw the ball even before Manning himself knew it. Although this may be true, I place this pick-6 more on Manning than on Porter, something that will be explained a little later.

The City of New Orleans – I could write about how loyal they have been to this team, how they deserve this, blah blah blah. What I find most funny is that this entire region will be drunk and/or hung-over throughout the course of this week. They just won the Super Bowl, Mardi Gras begins on Thursday so by the time Valentine’s Day rolls around on Sunday, these worn out lovers in the Gulf Bay will be in no mood for a nice bottle of wine. The Saints winning this game is like Mel Gibson bringing an AA meeting to a Malibu bar – it’s just gonna get messy.

And now, to the losers…

Peyton Manning – At first, I thought about writing a whole separate entry on this doofus, but ultimately time and laziness convinced me to just write one big Super Bowl entry. As loyal readers have probably figured out by now – I have been saying that Manning is largely overrated by the mass media, and boy do I hate being right all the time. Now, never have I

An image all too familiar for Colts fans in big games

ever said the guy sucks, but he isn’t “the greatest QB of all time” like the media paints him to be. Before he beat the Bears in the – as I like to call it – the Prince Purple Rain Super Bowl – Manning was considered a great QB who choked in the big game. And so it was here, again. The all-time best QB does not throw a pick-6 in the Super Bowl with the game on the line in the last minute – period. End of story. That one errant throw is what will keep Manning from being in the list of “best QB’s of all time.” He has had too many moments of epic fail in clutch moments to be put on this list. It is almost undebatable at this point. (And if you remember the Prince Bowl correctly, Manning didn’t necessarily will the Colts to win that game than Rex Grossman led the Bears to lose it)

Look, he’s a good QB. I’m not saying he isn’t good. I’m just saying he isn’t all he’s cracked up to be. He milks the play clock on every possession (which makes him a shitty 2-minute drill guy),  he audibles way too often, and he has obnoxious happy feet every time he drops back to pass. His passes can be brilliant – and he is amazing with his accuracy – but there’s a lot to his game that leaves to be desired, so when he chokes like this, it’s just nice to know I am not totally shitting this football wisdom out of my ass. Would Montana or Brady have thrown a pick-6 with a Super Bowl on the line? Nope. That is why Manning has to rest on a tier below the true greats.

That, Peyton Manning, is why you fail.

The Colts “philosophy” – Chalk this loss up to brains vs. heart. The Colts went into this game using their brains, whereas the Saints used their hearts, and I always say the heart will always win over the mind. It happens in life, and it happens in football, as well. New Orleans went about their gameplan on feeling and emotion, wanting desparately to win this thing for their fans and city. Indy went in with the more “chess game” mentality, and although that’s not necessarily a bad thing, it cannot compete with emotions so big. This is why Kirk was the captain of the Enterprise, and not Spock. Logic and sound mind do not win the race. Indy simply could not compete with such hearts on their sleeves that N.O. had, and thus, they were doomed from the start.

Overall, this Super Bowl was a downgrade from two of the best in the business we had the previous two years – Pats/Giants and Cardinals/Steelers. Those two games were epics, easily finding their place in the top ten list of best Super Bowls of all time. Overall, this game was largely ho hum, with moments of excitement, but nothing much to cry home about. Ah well, after the past two years, perhaps the bar has gotten too high.

This will be the last consistent post as we head into the offseason (or as some douches on the radio shows like to call it – “the business season.”) If and when something noteworthy comes up in the NFL, I will attack it with my usual vigor. And, of course, I’ll attack the draft come April. But for now, the Monday Morning Douche takes a siesta until the storm waters of the NFL brew up once more.

Happy offseason everybody!

These fools are gonna be hurtin' come next Sunday

Minnesota should have lost by the score of 66-3. The amount of turnovers and mistakes that team made should have put this game to bed by halftime. And the amount of punishment this old man took would have knocked the healthiest of 26-year-old’s out cold. And yet, there was this 40 year old man getting right back up on his feet and throwing bullets down the field, desperately trying to pull out a win against a team that was obsessed with taking off his head. Literally.

And it also says something that all the major media outlets are writing more about “the end of Favre” than “New Orleans finally in the Super Bowl” or “Peyton Manning proves to be the best, again.” Nope. We are all still harping on the loser of this weekend, and I guess I have no choice but to ultimately understand why.

Favre-beans was an amazing sight to see yesterday. He took the same hit Tom Brady and Carson Palmer took, to the knees, that knocked them out of a season and a playoff game, respectively, but all it did was shake Favre-beans up a bit. All he had to do was walk that shit off for a few minutes on the sidelines, and he was right back out there, throwing bullets. Neither Tom nor Carson have been the same since taking those hits, but you’d be hard pressed to say the same thing about Favre-beans.

Okay, now I am getting a little queasy writing so positively about Favre-beans. It’s kinda painful. If Jon Gruden and Jaws were sitting next to me, on either side of my laptop, they’d probably be patting me on the back right now and opening a beer for me. Then they would whip out there (insert here) and dispense some hand lotion with one another, at which point I’d have to exit my own apartment quite quickly and go for a long run, or something. Thank God it’s just me here and I am freaking my own self out by typing such boner inducing words over a 40 year old football player.

Ready...Set...Boner!

So now we have a whole offseason to endure another endless series of “Favre Watch” bits on ESPN and NFL Network. It might even be somewhat tolerable this time around because if he can still do half of what he did this year – at age 41, no less – than it’ll be all worth it.

Okay, this is getting out of control. I need to go for a run and clear my head. Adios mi amigos.

It’s just not surprising and, thus, not all that exciting. Oh, I’m sure it’ll be a good game featuring great match-ups and two high powered offenses. It ought to be like a basketball game, with endless scoring going on back and forth. And it features two of the best QBs in the league – Manning and Brees. And you have to be happy for all the loyal and fanatic Saints fans, who have, in addition to a massive hurricane, have gone through mindless upon mindless years of shitty football. All their loyalty has paid off, and their team is finally in the Super Bowl. This is all well and good.

It’s just that…damn, other scenarios would have been more interesting. Like if it had been the Favre Bowl – Jets vs. Vikings. Brett Boy takes on the team he pissed all over last year. THAT would have been good drama, and would have been worth all the Favre jizzing ESPN would have

Your Super Bowl match-up. Yep.

spent doing for two weeks. Or just having the Jets in it at all, and seeing what a rookie QB would do playing in the big game his first year. Hell, Colts/Vikings would have been neat too – the thinking man’s QB Manning versus the gunslinger Favre. An interesting contrast to witness, that would have been.

But no, we have the match-up everyone thought we would have back on October. Colts and Saints. It’s okay, I guess, just so damn predictable.

Eh, we’ll see. Just color me okay with this match-up, unless it delivers some good shit two weeks from now.

@abeelam Shout out to my boi Ronnie Brown of Dolphins. look like that ankle getting right!

To which I responded with this:

@abeelam boi means gay lover, just so you know

3:20 PM Jan 23rd from UberTwitter in reply to abeelam

To which he responded as so:

@pdogg4u no homo

3:23 PM Jan 23rd from web in reply to pdogg4u

No homo. I try to teach someone that they are improperly using the slang term “boi” incorrectly, and not only incorrectly, but embarrassingly incorrectly, and for my thanks, I am told, “no homo.”  You see – in the gay and lesbian community, the term “boi” is slang for referring to a rather butch looking lesbian and – for the fellas – a guy dude who likes to be on the bottom. Yep. That’s what “boi” means, and Sir Elam used it in reference to Miami Dolphin Ronnie Brown.

Fortunately, Elam’s education was not just finished. I replied thus:

@abeelam Alright Mr. football player, don’t believe me, read for yourself: http://tinyurl.com/36jxfr

4:06 PM Jan 23rd from web in reply to abeelam

Now, if you follow that posted link, the explanation “boi” is clearly explained. Seems like Sir Elam followed said link and felt all the more relieved afterward, because he sent me this:

@pdogg4u lol I believe u preciate it!

4:19 PM Jan 23rd from web in reply to pdogg4u

Well, at least he is man enough to admit when he is wrong.

I am finding this an alarming trend from NFL players on Twitter. They keep referring to one another with the monkier of “boi” when, in reality, they basically keep calling each other fags. Not sure anyone appreciates that, the straight football players or the gays.

I’ll keep teaching these guys proper slang usage. Educating professional football players on Twitter – it’s what the fuck I do!

My "boi" Abram Elam

Jets @ Colts

On paper, this would seem to be nothing more than another Colts blowout, but I say – NOT SO FAST, MY FRIEND. Never underestimate the Cinderella team. Last year it was the Cardinals, a team everyone and their mom thought would be blown out in their first playoff game and never be seen or heard from for another nine months. But to the Super Bowl they went. Similarly, their opponents last year – the ref paying Steelers – had a very similar playoff experience in ’06, where they came into the playoffs as the sixth seed and ended up winning the whole damn thing. So do not go by the book on this one, kids.

I am a big believer that history has a, um…history of repeating itself. Both of these teams have history on their side. The Colts have a history of choking – Norv Turner style – in the playoffs, so why should I view this year any differently. And as I just demonstrated above,

Your 2009 New York Jets

the Cinderella teams have a history of at least making it to the big dance. And I have never been a fan of doing things by the book (James T. Kirk would approve), so I am picking the Jets in this one. They just seem to have so much momentum going here, and Peyton can be harassed enough into throwing a duck of a game, which the Jets D can easily provide. Yeah, go with the hot hand here, my babies.

Winner: Jets

Vikings @ Saints

If this were a regular season game, I would say flip a coin, which is still the case with this one, too. But I guess I can’t just say that since this is the NFC Championship game. I think it comes down to Favre-beans vs. the Saints secondary. If the Saints can turn Favre-beans back into his late-90′s interception prone self, they will be able to win. If they let Brett throw with ease like the Cowboys did, then we run into a good ol’ western shoot-out, and even in that case, my money is more on the Saints in that scenario.

“But Pete, what about that explosive defensive line the Vikings are sporting? Don’t you think they’ll be able to give Drew Brees fits like they did to Romo?” Yes, I do, but here is the difference: Brees has a natural ability to escape pressure and throw on the run, and is a bit smoother in those instances than Romo is, so I don’t think the Vikes D-line will be able to do to Brees what they did to Romo. But we will have to wait and see come Sunday.

Ultimately, like the Cowboys game before it, this game will come down to the trenches, and which line dominates the other. Also don’t forget the home field factor, with that Superdome giving fits to every visiting team that comes into it. So with Brees and the home field, I am picking the Saints.

Winner: Saints

So there is your MMD Super Bowl, at least: Jets vs. Saints. I’m usually 50/50 when it comes to picking the SB the week before, so I am sure one of these teams will make it, and one won’t. Just please – football gods – don’t let it be Colts/Vikings, because then it just becomes two weeks of football TV personalities jizzing over themselves over Manning and Favre-beans, which I will not be able to stomach. If that’s the case, I will throw myself fully into the NBA season and never look back.

Your 2010 Super Bowl...if MMD gets its way

No one has hated on the Jets more than I. Although I like their coach and the defense he instills, I can’t stand the hype around Pretty Boy Sanchez, I despise their I-get-paid-to-catch-but-never-do receiver in Braylon Edwards and I generally don’t like watching teams that rely so

"Can you believe we're actually winning this game??"

much on the run in their offense, no matter how effective that may be. But I admit defeat when defeat is at hand, and so I was wrong about the Jets and now, they are the underdog Cinderella team of the year and I can’t help but to root for them.

And let us not forget the ample reasons for us not to root for the Colts. Hell, the karma gods will be busy this weekend. In addition to sacking Brett Favre-beans and the Vikings, they’ll also have their hands-full of early benching Indianapolis. And wouldn’t it all be do deliciously ironic to see these arrogant Colts go down to the team they so lazily let even in the playoffs?

And personally, I think a Saints/Jets Super Bowl would be an interesting match-up. A stellar offense against a ferocious defense. The experience vet QB against the wide-eyed rookie that has enough moxie to make some wins. Much better than Vikings/Colts, in which we’d have to listen to two weeks of endless ESPN personalities jizzing over Favre-beans and Manning endlessly. No thank you.

So go Jets. Do your thing. Be the upset special of the year. I’m rooting for you…something I thought I’d never hear myself admit to.

The reason Favre-beans and the Vikes won’t win it all this year is simple karma. They violated the Force that is the karma gods in their game against the Cowboys, and when once the K-gods are violated, to the winner don’t go the spoils. Let me explain…

Remember way back in 2007? That was the year Bill Belichick and his pet Tom Brady drove up the scores on all their opponents, destroying their competition by scores like 54-7 and 55-14. If you remember, one of the big criticisms of Bill’s Boys that year was even with the games well

Perhaps it's the karma gods frowning down on Favre-beans from above?

in hand, Billy Boy would still have his pet Tom throw 60-yard TD bombs to Randy Moss – for no other reason than to rub it in, because Belichick is a douche and always has/will be.

And what happened? I don’t need to spell it out, you are all reasonable football fans if you’re reading this. Bill’s Boys got all the way to the big dance and were upended by the Giants by a freak catch from their 5th string receiver who may or may not even be in the league still. The mighty Patriots – who had spent the whole year driving up the scores on their helpless opponents – were brought down by a 5th stringer who is not even in the league any more.

And so it shall be the same with the Vikings, because with one minute left to go against the Cowboys, Favre-beans decided to throw a TD pass to his tight end instead of simply running the ball to run the clock out. Now, I could go on and on about how classless this is, and how this makes Favre-beans even more of a douche…but I’m not going to do that.

Favre-beans has sealed his fate with that decision. Now, he might be taken down next week against the Saints (whom I will be rooting for heavily next Sunday), and if not, he will most assuredly be defeated by whichever AFC team he faces.

It’s simple rules of karma. The Vikings got full of themselves, and have cost themselves a championship. Not that I give a giant fuck. I have wet dreams about a day in the NFL without Favre-beans. Until that happens, the nocturnal emissions will have to do.

9. Speaking of which, the Cardinals seem to have that playoff mojo going again. I can easily see them upsetting the Saints this week. The way God’s QB was able to pass with ease against the Pack was amazing. If they make it all the way to the SB again, maybe we color them the new Buffalo Bills?

8. Who amongst us could have predicted such a gigantic Rome-style collapse from the Patriots? Granted, most of us were 50/50 on who would win that game, but my God! Talk about rolling over dead! All great empires fall, and with the Pats, it is no different.

7. How about that winning announcing booth of Joe Gibbs and Joe Theismann, huh? What excruciating torture to listen to. Mostly Theismann just loving the sound of his own voice and going on and on and on about nothing. And Gibbs sounded so old he didn’t know where the hell he was. Time to switch it up next year, NBC.

6. Along those same lines, can somebody please fire Phil Simms from everything football/TV related? Please? He is AWFUL. It was hard enough watching such a lopsided game like Pats/Ravens, but to add his terrible commentary to it was just insult to injury.

5. I could write more about the Eagles collapse, but it is all summed up in the McNabb post below.

4. Unrelated to the playoffs, but Pete Carroll to the Seahawks reeks of a move to make Seattle more relevant in the media again. If that’s the case, it’s working.

3. If you think about it, Carson Palmer has never really been the same since that knee injury against Pittsburgh in their last playoff game…

2. Along the same lines, I can’t foresee the Bengals having a better season than they just had with their current roster. Could be time to shake it up.

1. The Saints and Colts might be the least bankable #1 seeds in recent playoff history.

Ravens @ Colts

I called it a few weeks ago and I am sticking to my guns – Colts go one and done this year. All that bullshit with resting their starters means this overrated team will be playing with more rust than an ’88 Chevy sitting in an abandoned Texas home. I don’t even need to go into how and why the Ravens are playing so well and how they will the game on their end – all you gotta know is history always repeats itself and the Colts doomed themselves when they went on vacation two weeks before the regular season ended. Fuck those guys. They deserve to go one and done.

Winner: Ravens

What a bunch of dumb, rusty fucks

Jets @ Chargers

Well New York – you fell ass backwards into the playoffs but made the most of it with an impressive win against Cincinnati. But that’s all you get, because unfortunately for you, you have to play the best team in football now. It’s a shame, really. You could have been the Cinderella story of the ’09 season, but alas, the Bolts just got too going on for even your speedy defense to handle. Revis will take away V-Jax, but they still got Gates and LT to burn you with, and that D will remind pretty boy Sanchez he is very much a rookie. Just like Tupac is better than Biggie, the west shall beat the east in this one.

Winner: Chargers

Cardinals @ Saints

Boy do I feel worried about picking the Saints in this one. The Birds got me good last year as I kept thinking they would lose every single one of their playoff games for them to tell me to go fuck myself and dance their way right into the Super Bowl. That win over the Pack can certainly send them all the way to the big dance again this year, along with God’s QB Kurt playing lights out again. Oh fuck it. The Saints lost their last three and come limping into this thing worse than a teen losing his virginity at age 16. I’m going momentum on this one.

Winner: Cardinals

Cowboys @ Vikings

Why the fuck is this game the early one on Sunday morning? You’d think the NFL would want to schedule the Favre vs. Romo showdown on it’s primetime Saturday night slot, and not the disaster that is the Colts in the playoffs. Damn fools. But I must admit not being able to pick impartial in this one, and even if I wasn’t a ‘boys fan, it’s still the hardest game to pick this weekend. So fuck it, I’m picking with my heart. What do I have to lose?

Winner: Cowboys

I’ve been saying it for years, and nobody paid me much mind, but this weekend – on the big stage – we were all witness to the gigantic choke that is Donovan McNabb. Again.

Where does the media come off constantly roping this guy in with the elite QB’s in the league? In the same breathe, you’ll here the ESPN-ers rope this douche in with Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Drew Brees etc. And yet – what has he ever done to deserve this? Won a Super Bowl? Nope. Won some playoff games? Sure – only to choke the next one away in grand fashion. Sure, he’s led the Eagles to many winning, successful seasons, but so have a lot of QB’s, and I keep hearing the make of an elite, historical quarterback are two things – success in the playoffs, and Super Bowl wins. Donovan has done neither in his career.

His best shot was the “honeymoon” season with TO when the Iggles went all the way to the Super Bowl, only to eventually choke it big time in the last minute to the Patriots. There are two things wrong with that peak season in Donovan’s career – 1. It took an elite WR to help bail him out of

A sight all too familiar for the Eagle faithful

a lot of his Donovan suckiness and 2. With the Super Bowl on the line, what did he do? March down the field to eternal Super Bowl glory a la Manning or Brady? Nope. He decided to barf a couple times in the huddle before lackadaisicly getting behind center and choking the game away. If elite QB’s are judged by championships and coolness under pressure, well, Donovan has none of that. So why does everyone keep roping him in the elite class?

It needs to stop, and hopefully after yet another choke job in the playoffs this year, it finally does. And maybe parent-of-the-year Andy Reid will snap to his senses and realize it is Donovan holding him back from the elite class of coaches. If the Eagles organization has any brains at all, they will jettison this fool over to Oakland and see how far they can get with either Kolb or Vick. Donovan is now broken goods and a broken commodity. Like Jay-Z says – for the Eagles, it should be on to the next one.

(And let’s give credit to the Eagle fans, who through divine intervention, knew they were getting a choke artist the day the team drafted him. Those boo’s were not in vein. Perhaps the Eagle fans are a bit smarter than they are given credit for?)